The grieving process

When a family loses someone close they will either individually, or collectively, or both, go through the grieving process. The loss tears at their very souls and creates a void where that someone once was. They can feel a deep level of sadness, which if left unchecked can lead to anxiety and depression. How long they suffer and how quickly they recover depends on a multitude of factors. Two key factors include how well adjusted they are as individuals and how well connected they are as a family.

As previously communicated we re-housed our family cat, Glitter. And as communicated we did this as we’re about to move to the US and felt that it was best for her to leave her in Townsville with another family. As tough as this decision was, it really was the only decision in our minds.

The night before had been unusual. It was raining with a hint of thunder. Something we weren’t used to in recent times in Townsville. Both Mel and I had restless sleeps; Glitter slept with Mel and then myself throughout the night. It was a nice feeling. She snuggled up to me, feeling like a security blanket to a child.

When we woke in the morning it as like any other day, however the thought of knowing that this was our last day with her was like a heavy burden over our heads. Whatever we did felt measured and slow-motion in anticipation of taking her to her new owners. And so the day slipped by fairly quickly. We didn’t do anything eventful. At four thirty in the afternoon Mel said its time to go.

Ale got Glitter ready to go while Mel packed all of her worldly possessions into the car. Before we knew it we were on our way. As we were driving I’d regularly look back to check Eden. He was quiet and staring out of the car in what looked like deep thought. It wasn’t long before tears started to well up in his eyes, which triggered me. Shortly after Ale was the same. The closer we got to Glitter’s new home the more emotional we became.

We eventually arrived and said hello to Glitter’s new “mum”. A lovely lady who gives us complete comfort that Glitter is going to a great family. We spoke for a while as Glitter surveyed the surroundings of the house she’d been in only weeks before when we were away in Cairns. It was clear that Glitter would settle in quickly. When it was time to leave, Mel asked if we could visit prior to leaving Townsville. Something I had’t thought about but will be a nice experience as part of our final goodbyes.

We got in the car and waved goodbye. Shortly after we cried in unison. It’s never easy saying final goodbyes. Creating a feeling of emptiness. It’s like a dagger through the heart seeing my family in pain. I think I was crying just as much for them being upset as I was for saying goodbye to Glitter.

On the way home Mel did a fantastic job of creating distractions and diversions for Ale and Eden and lightening their mood, with the intent of reducing their grief. I was as good as useless in supporting her, as I was going through my own grieving process.

If I think about how we’ve handled and managed Glitter’s re-housing I need to acknowledge Mel. She not only made the very difficult decision (when I was saying regularly that I think we should take her with us) but she also put aside her own feelings to support the kids and make sure they were okay. In leading up to the final day she regularly spoke to the kids about it and why we needed to do it. This process she took them through got them engaged in the decision-making and allowed them to prepare for it in their own way.

I need to mention that Jack was away for the final day, however he did his own goodbye with Glitter before he left. Like Ale and Eden, Mel had prepared Jack so that when his final day with Glitter came, he felt part of the process and not isolated.

So whilst I feel that this was one of the hardest decisions we’ve made as a family for many years, I know it was the right decision. What made it easier was Mel engaging the family early about what we needed to do for Glitter’s well being and why. She made sure the kids were well aware and that when the final day came around, it was no surprise. And that they could mentally prepare themselves which aided in the grieving process.

When it comes to the grieving process it’s a natural part of life. As humans we’ll confront it at some point. It’s only a matter of time. How well we deal with it comes down to how we respond. If we choose to allow ourselves to ride the wave of emotions and just “be” with it I believe we not only heal quickly, but also become stronger for it. If we try to fight it and deny it I believe it never goes away. Potentially lying dormant until the owner of the grief confronts it and deals with it.

I’m not an expert. However, from my experience I don’t believe that we should take a right/wrong position with how people go through the grieving process. It’s about what works for us. My only wish is that when families are impacted by grief, that they deal with it in a way that alleviates the pain and suffering as quickly as possible.